Amazing Grace

A key line from that song goes, “. . . I once was lost, but now I’m found. . . ”  I’m lost.

I had not realized it until just a few moments ago. Last year, when Heath Ledger died, (I know – he’s a movie star, yada yada . . . he doesn’t count . . . I didn’t know him, how can I be upset . . . I get it, OK?) I was really upset. Normally, I DON’T care when celebrities die. Hell, I rarely get that choked up when people I know, or people who are close to my family, die, so why would I care if Heath Ledger died? I don’t know why I cared, but I did. It really bothered me and I think I may have actually cried. No, like tears and stuff.

That was one year ago yesterday. Now, this is NOT an ode to Heath Ledger – just stick with me. During dinner, I was reading through this week’s Entertainment Weekly. There was a big spread about Heath Ledger, with interview snippets from his friends and coworkers, etc. . . It was really nice and one of the common themes amongst the contributors was his ability to light up a room, and just put forth an air of confidence, maturity, and chutzpa, that drew people to him. That reminded me of me. But not me now.

I am in no way comparing myself to Heath Ledger, mind you – no, this is more of an introspective.

I write blog posts talking about how I don’t like contentment, how the grass is greener, shit like that. . . Those of you who read me know what I am talking about. Those who do not – feel free to browse.

It is raining in the East Bay right now. After I read – I came outside. I like the rain. Then, I decided to share myself with the blogosphere one more time. I am lost. I was not always lost. For years, I was fan-fucking-tastic. Then things changed – as they tend to do. Now, I am lost. I have a family – love Sarah and Gavin. . . I have a place to live – love Don and Scott. . . I have “stuff” – (actually, that may be part of the problem). . . I don’t have a job – that would not have bothered me before, it does now. . . I had an interview last week and still did not get the job. That is strange. I used to be able to sell myself flawlessly. Now – I can’t do that . . . I’m lost. . . I used to articulate myself – now people can’t follow me. . . I used to do better in school – (I know – really though). . . I don’t think I know who I am right now.

I have lost my confidence, maturity, and chutzpa. I am not OK with that. You wanna know the worst part – I don’t think I know how to get it back. In order for me to succeed, I need it back. It is a part of me. It was what defined me through the most formative years of my life. Now it is gone and I don’t know what to do about that. I was about to say, “I’ll figure it out,” and then add something profound there, but really – I don’t know if I will figure it out. . .

~ by shinshige on 23 January 2009.

3 Responses to “Amazing Grace”

  1. Shiggy my dear, everything happens for a reason, just hang in there.

  2. How very well I know how you feel, my friend. It will happen. It WILL come back to you. Don’t give up searching, but don’t search too hard either, do you know what I mean? Don’t psych yourself out of restoring your true self. I’m on the verge of mine and it’s taken probably a good three years. Part of it is being in the right place – for you, California – keep going. Hold on to what is great in your life and get ready for most of the rest to step aside, because it will happen.

    (I mentioned on my blog when Princess Diana died I was affected. It’s weird who you link up with in that way, but it’s real. I know I didn’t know her etc. but…)

  3. You’re more graceful than you’re giving yourself credit.

    Take a man and uproot his entire life and plop him down in a house-hold, WITH HIS FAMILY AND CAT AND DOG, and have him cohabitate (spelling?) with a male couple and their three cats and energetic dog.

    You’re being critical. Breath, dammit.

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