How many days are there in a lifetime?

I’ve never asked myself that question before. I have, however, thought many thoughts related to it. Oddly enough, the answers are always different.

Every now and then, I look around at my life and the people in it, and question why I am where I am. OK – more often than every now and then. More like every now and not quite now. Maybe then. I asked someone today, something to the effect of, Do you ever think you are not where you are supposed to be? I asked him because I ask myself all the time. I had a friend for whom I really cared a while back, then she disappeared, I don’t know where she is. I asked her that question once. She said, “All the time.” She spoke for me.

I think about that a lot. Apparently, I am pretty wise, because I once had a friend tell me, “You’re the one who said that you should change what you don’t like until you like it.” I believe that, really I do.

I met a girl, no – really, I just saw a girl, in 2001, right before I met Sarah. She worked in this little cafe that overlooked the Pacific. The ambiance of the place was great, and the food was good too, but the waitress had just a thing about her. I have never forgotten that. I have forgotten her. I don’t remember her name, and I have forgotten what she looked like, but I have never forgotten . . . The thing is, I’ve never thought about her in any sort of inappropriate way, she was not that kind of girl. More accurately, it was not that kind of experience. It was the kind of experience that left a mark on me about what it could be like. What life could be like. What I could be like. I remember that. I was with a friend at that cafe. He, too, knows what it could be like. What he could be like.

What it could be.

We have this fantasy that one day, we wake up, and the lights come on. All in the world is right. Everything is what we think it should be. We are what we think we should be. We have successfully changed what we didn’t like and now we liked it. I have a fear this is just a fantasy. If it is not real, then all we have is the cafe overlooking the Pacific. This is it. It’s about you.

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~ by shinshige on 21 September 2008.

4 Responses to “How many days are there in a lifetime?”

  1. I think the time you spent away from the blogosphere has served you well, not that I want to encourage a break like that again. I felt tortured and starved during that time.

    For some reason, I think you should watch ‘Star Wars,’ any of them, and then decide to dress up as one of the characters for Halloween and send me pictures of you in your costume.

    I have had the above thought process so many times, and now I feel more ready to make my life into what I want, rather than feeling resentful for the life I was supposed to have had.

  2. By ‘the above thought process,’ I meant your post’s content.

  3. Shiggy, I think there are lessons in everything, the question is can we find the lesson and learn it? It’s like wondering what if? and one day finding out one day that grass just looks greener on the other side. Our lives are enriched by our experiences, the people in those experiences, and what we take away from all of it and incorporated in to ourselves.

    Sith,
    Cele

  4. “We” is good.

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