Talk Thursday: A Day in the Life of My Pet.

Hi, I’m Plato.  I’m a beagle and a royal pain in the ass of my family. I am the cuddliest dog on the face of the planet, but I’m kind of like a cat – I cuddle on my terms. If I don’t want to cuddle, don’t even try.

So – I was asked to write to you about a typical day in my life. I can’t type you know, no opposable thumbs, so I am using a translator system that types for me. Beware. Wow, that’s a lot for a dog to have to deal with. So, I will try to be as succinct as possible. OK – my life is a lot more difficult than most people give me credit for. I am a beagle, man. Don’t you know what that means? It means I was bred to be a fuck up. I’m not as responsive to humans as my cousin, the hound dog. This causes me a lot of strife in my life. See, you humans think I should just sit on your porch, at your laps, but I don’t fucking do that. I can’t do that. I only lay down if there are no scents in the air. (Well, or if it’s a smell I am used to.) But, most of the time, I can’t sit still. That causes a lot of pressure on my humans, I know. You see – this is what happens:

Eddie comes home and, what? Oh, you’re not Eddie on here? What does that mean? OK – sure, whatever. So, Seizui, apparently, comes home sometimes. Once in a while, he is distracted and leaves up the garage door. Yeah, baby. This is my cue to go exploring. But, now – every time I go out, that bastard finds me. I don’t get it. Almost every time I find a friend and they have a human, that human puts this thing up to their head and starts talking into it. That’s when I know Edd-, er, Seizui will be only a few minutes behind. Blast that damned little magic box.

Regardless, he finds me, and I get in his Xterra, and go back home. It’s not that I don’t like being there. I quite do, in fact. It’s just that I’m ALWAYS there. They just don’t want me to be a dog. If that’s the case, why didn’t they just stick with the cat? Whenever I go to a park, I want to play with the little friends I see, but the asshats don’t even let me do that. They keep a rope tied around my neck and yell whenever I try to call to one of my friends.

Anyway – they like to leave me home by myself. Again, they just don’t get me. I like to be with them. When they leave me, I try to get out to them. Thus far, I have only succeeded in breaking through the cat door, digging under the back fence 7 or 8 times, run from the neighbours’ house 3 times, and torn up the blinds on two windows. They got me a cage. I don’t like that. This cage is not as smart as I am. I have actually broken out of it 3 different times. Then Ed, ahhhh, Seizui, tied the corners of the cage together with zip ties. Bastard. Now I can’t break out. I still don’t like it, though.

I will conclude by talking about night times. The humans go to bed, and that’s when I get to be closest to them. It’s pretty nice. I jump on the bed, and scrunch myself up into a ball and get as close to them as I can. Sometimes, I even make the Mrs. push Seizui off of his side, because I take over her whole area. I like that the best. ;)

Woof.

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~ by shinshige on 30 May 2008.

4 Responses to “Talk Thursday: A Day in the Life of My Pet.”

  1. I used to have a beagle. Her name was Bonnie Beagle and I LOVED her. They do like to roam, don’t they?

    Very funny.

  2. Hey Shiggy, I think running away is Plato speak for, “I want to ride in the car.”

    A picture would have been nice, dude.

    Cele

  3. Pictures, posts. . . Y’all are brutal. He thought about posting a pic of himself. He just told me he will do it at some point. Sheesh.

  4. Sounds like Plato loves adventures and his family. I think I’d like him.

    Nice writing like a dog!

    LA LA LA

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